I recall my parents having way more energy, and what seemed like more free time. I succeeded in raising my daughter, seeing her married (twice), three grand kids, chased every meaningful relationship out of my life, I just put one of two dogs to sleep and now find myself wandering around my home thinking "its too big..." well, ok, maybe I need that because I have too much stuff so it works..., but still... I'm too restless to read or write music. I'm not hungry enough to cook for one. I'm rarely that interested in TV. In an hour, I have to go back to work for about an hour. Then what? I could be prudent and go home and not watch TV, read or cook.... I'll likely go waste money at a bar, hoping a couple of beers will make me feel tired enough that I can go home and not mind being too restless to actually do something productive. So as I wander from room to room thinking "this would be fine if I had Alzheimers... but then of course I wouldn't be having such thoughts..
I realize I may not be the norm, but what is the norm? In my teens, 20's, 30's, it was pretty easy to figure out what I wanted, what I was supposed to be doing with myself. Now those things have either been achieved or slipped from my grasp and lost forever. So what do I do now? How do I move forward? It seems those simple skills that came so easily to a younger man elude me now. So I end up in a house with a dog feeling like I'm destined to be the crazy old grumpy guy on the block where all the neighborhood kids are afraid to go past the house... Oh, and BTW... Stay the heck off my lawn!!!!!
Now for the really funny part.. well, maybe not so funny.. I don't remember how long ago I wrote the above words.. At least a year?? But the thing is, they rang true at the time.. a year or less and a big difference.. I was then contemplating life and now I am contemplating death. I was lamenting a future I may soon long for but which might no longer be available to me. How quickly things change. One moment I am making fun of what a tough thing it is to get older, and the next I am wondering if I will ever be old enough. I suppose there is never a good time for it to end. Whether 60 minutes or 60 years, it is never enough time to get where you wish you could have been. I guess some do it.. Eienstein.. McCartney.. Carlin.. genius has a better chance at it, but do (did) they feel they have (had) achieved all they could and wanted to in life? Were they content with their contribution?? I am not, for sure! But I am not of that caliber. Still I have to believe we all want to leave a mark on this world. For many, a family business or a family ripe with progeny is sufficient. Perhaps a plaque on the Memorial Day Town Square or a new wing on the hospital.. to each their own of course. I believe it to be a personal bar, a self imposed standard of achievement that one sets for themself that measures our relative level of success in this world. Within our own terms. Really it just says "I passed this way, remember me, I hope I made a difference..". I oft times feel that had someone in my life pulled me aside and explained it all to me, I would have been better equipped and done a better job of maximizing my potential. A suffiecent head start as it were. Sure, people like Aristotle, Newton, DaVinchi could likely feel fulfilled in our eyes, but likely they were not. There is always going to be regret that fades with us. Those final thoughts that say "If Only!!" If only I did.. if only I didn't, regrets in one form or another... But still, in spite of it all, regardless of those regrets there is so much to to be thankful for, having passed through this life. Simple pleasures like food, sex, laughter and flowers. Friends, the ocean, a sunny day. A true love... Does existence continue or is dead just dead. Will I miss those things? I can't help but believe I will... I'm starting to already..
